Tuesday, March 28, 2006

hate post..letter whatever you call this..

Letter of Regret.

I know you've had feelings for me. I know that you liked me. I know that you know we could have had something special...

But you were'nt true to your feelings and so I grew tired of waiting for you. For a year or so, I kept on waiting for something to be said and acted out, but nothing happened. And so, I grew tired of waiting for you. I know there was something inside you, telling you that I "could" be the one, but you weren't so sure of your feelings. ANd so, you shoved me away, afraid of what you'd feel for me. And, that hurt by the way--but I didn't cry. I did not cry at all. I guess, I've been so hurt before that I became immune to crying.

Anyway, I had a feeling of what you felt for me. I got a sense of what your feelings were for me, it was just that you were in constant denial. You weren't honest to yourself, so to speak. You act as though you were really interested in me, but when it was my turn to show my interest to you, you shoved me away. I don't understand you. You kept telling me you have a girlfriend---shoving me away... But you kept on texting me, sending me messages that tell you care for me and love me... That, made it more confusing...

Do you know how hard it was to wait for someone who's almost always unsure and is always in constant denial?

Do you know how hard it was to be left alone, after waiting and hoping for something to happen only to realize it was disaster in the end?

I hope you would understand me, for once, how I felt. It was hurt. You brought me pain. I thought, "Ah, maybe this is the one!", but then you left me hanging on to nothing--falling in love and crashing. It was not just the enraged hormones that made me write a hate post in my blog and mention your name and lambast you ---which I'm really sorry for-- but Those really were genuine feelings of hurt by a person, who I thought wouldn't hurt me (as far as I knew); and that person was you.

This, I gotta tell you... After writing that hate post--it was kind of a breath of fresh air... All those emotions of anger and the feeling of pain sort of went away. You could say, it was a relief. And at that moment, I knew I did the right thing. But part of me, said that it might hurt you--then I remembered all the things you did to me. The latter ruled the first one out. Anyway, now I'm really sorry for all that. I had to delete it and change it to this...

You know, somehow I wish you couldn't sleep at night because you are thinking of me.

Sometimes, I wish you're miserable for all the guilt you have in hurting me.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't too forward with you (although, I really don't think I'm too forward at all), so you'd just ignore me for all that I was.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't gave you those poems as it made me seem so desperate and that would make you care for me just because you pity me. I don't need pity at all... I need honesty.

These, I wish and think about at times, since I've been thinking and dreaming about the what-could-have-beens, if only you were honest.

In fact I remember the day you said you'd care for me; and the day we had the same favorite song. I was surprised that time since that same old song was the one I sang for the person who brought me so much pain. I did not expect it that the person who'll sing that to me, will eventually hurt me as well.

That day you said that you'd take care of me, seemed to be the wish I made come true--getting over the guy who I have loved after all years. But, I guess it couldn't and wouldn't be since you were so stuck-up and was more concerned concealing and denying your feelings for me. kamil lyon tolentino..

I still wish that those feelings would stay the same, even after all these years. I also wish that you are honest.

"Well, I've been thinking about you day and night. And I don't know if this
will work out right. But somehow, I think that it just might... If we try."

But then, you didn't.
You left me waiting and hoping for something I thought I'd achieve. You
walked away scared of what might be, leaving me alone, dreaming of you and
me...

-->You'll always be my baby.

roses and a pig

i have this feeling that everybody except me will be surprised on April 1 and a few days after.. hahaha I don't know but I have this devilish grin on my face all through the day!! hehehe 3:)

Because, I am the only one who knows about everything!! hehehe!!! And it's very nerve-wracking for me to keep this from everyone!!! THAT'S WHY.... i'LL just post it all right here.,. my plans for the upcoming debuts of my dearest friends--emkhey and marj!!


First of all, one of my bestfriends, Marj, doesn't know that she'll be getting a rose each from the boys (that was my plan!). Marj's plan was not to tell the everybody that there will be 18 roses and a dance, so that the boys will be surprised when they hear their name called for a dance..(and guess what! I'm the emcee! hehehe). And the boys which I already contacted and had a deal with, still doesn't know about marj's plan!! All they know was that marj--not having her 18 roses--will be surprised!! hehe!! And to think, this all happened accidentally when marj suddenly decided that she'll be having her dances with her 18 roses, and yet she first told me that she'll only be having her 18 candles .. and I already had that deal with the boys!!.. wahaha, not until last night did I realized that I am the only one who knows about everything...

Everything...including my plan for emkhey.. EmkheY only knows about my deal with the boys for marj's birthday because since the roses are expensive, I need someone to share the expenses with--and emkhey is that "someone"! She doesn't know Marj's plan with the 18 roses so she cannot buzz-out any information except "my deal" with the 18 roses. She also doesn't know that while we (mk and me) are planning this 18 roses for marj, we (marj and me) are also planning something really "PIGGY" for her 18th birthday!!


all I can say is....

sUrPriSe!!! sUrPriSe!!!
...and all the while they thought they will be the one who'll be surprising the others!!
how manipulative can I be!!!?

Monday, March 27, 2006

haaaayyy.. juskupo!!!

waaahhh... ako'y sobrang kinakabahan!! iimbitahan ko si NIC david sa debut ni marj.. grabe.. dignidad ko na naman mawawala rito!!! pero okey lang.. para ke marj naman toh eh.. xge lang.. whew!! kabog*kabog*kabog..

grabe.. naguguluhan na ko ke marj.. sabi nia nung una ala xa 18 roses.. pero ngeon, meron na.. ah basta meron o wala, eto na lang gift ko sa kanya.. haaay.. kinakabahan na talaga ko... itutuloy ko nga pa ba?? dignidad ko mawawala talaga eh..haaayy..

isa pang malaking kababuyan na problema.. birthday na ni babs sa weds!!.. nakunamanghirap neto!! balak ko sana cake na customized na me baboy pero muka nia ilalagay..hehe para complimentary diba.. joke.. 18th bertday nia na rin kasi.. si clarence din ung sunod sa birthday nia eh.. well, 17 pa lang naman un kaya madali na un!! nakanang!! seryoso talaga ko..

juskupo!! haaayy para sa tropa.. xge...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

kUmAiN ka nA nMaN nG sALiTa..tsktsktsk..

hay naku.. ung tuluyang pag-iwas sa grupong iyon?!?!?!

Ngayon? nde na nangyayari.. pero ang paglili-lo sa kanila, tama..@ least kahit papano nakaramdam cla na basta.. well, if i know.. binabasa naman nila toh eh.. so need not say or bring up that issue anymore..

basta lang ba, mabibigyan nila ko ng espasyo, every now and then... tulad nga ng nabanggit ko, ganoon talaga akong tao... AT TULAD NA NAMAN NG SABI NI MARJ... "kumain ka na naman ng salita..marcia".. hehehe.. mishu na talaga mga tropapeeps..

ewan ko ba.. mejo nakakaguilty, dahil alam ko nmang hindi silang lahat ang tinutukoy ko eh.. Pero dahil nga grupo iyon, parang nacoconsider as one na.. Basta tamaan na lang kung sino tamaan sa mga sinabi ko.. Alam niyo naman kung sino kayong mga tinukoy ko noon eh..

Salamat na rin kahit papano nakokonsider niyo parin ako bilang isang kaibigan...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

JUST FOR FUN!!

Napagtripan ko lang patulan itong "chain mail na ito.." hehehe.. nakakatuwa kasi

Kahit alam mong niloloko at inuuto mo ang sarili mo, papatulan mo pa rin.. Kasi naman,,, alam mo namang gusto mo ung mangyari, kahit sa panaginip lamang iyon...

Isa kasi itong "LOVE STORY".. well, magtatanong ung site ng kung anu-ano--tulad ng pangalan ng opposite sex, adjective, noun at kung anu-ano pa.. hehe.. At mula doon sa mga sinagot mo, magkakaroon ka na ng sarili mong LOVE STORY..

Well, here goes my "LOVE STORY"
(and yes, it includes JESTER --na naman if you must say..)


Love Story


One comfy summer day at Salzburg, Austria you see the most angelic creature you have ever seen. Their name is Jester , and every move he makes just turns you on more and more. You nudge your best friend Marj and say, "Wow, that has to be the most sexiest body I have ever seen." Suddenly,he looks in your direction and starts
walking right towards you!!! he says, "I noticed you staring at me from over there. I just had to tell you, that I think you are so nice , and was wondering if you'd like to go to Paris with me and hang-out ?" With a stupid smile on your face you say, "Whatever you say " and go with them. When you finally get to Paris , he moves closer to you, and gives you the biggest kiss ever. The two of you are passionately
kissing, when you feel a diary hit you on the back of the head. You open your eyes to find out it's all a dream, but there is a note left next to your bed. It reads: "Jester is the love you've been waiting your whole life for. he will ask you out in 7 days or less, but only if you send this e-mail to at least 10 people within the next few minutes. The more people you send it to, the sooner they will ask you out, and you both fall in
love. Do not take this lightly, because if you simply ignore this, you will have
bad luck in love for the next 7 years!"

wala lang hehe kakatawa kasi.. eh.. kahit alam kong ilang adjectives at nouns ung mga tinype ko bago ko makuha ang PERFECT LOVE STORY KO.. hehe kahit wrong grammar pa yan.. basta naloko ko okei na yan!!!

Monday, March 13, 2006

BASURA ka lang...

Ewan ko... pero parang ata lumala ang pagtrato nila sakin..o baka nagiging hysterical lang ako dahil alam kong sobra na sila...Ay, bahala na... Ewan ko, alam kong alam naman nilang binabasa nila toh eh, pero siguro hindi iyon sapat para makuha ung respeto nila sakin... BASTUSAN na kasi ung nangyayari... Parang ngang basura lang ako kung i-trato nila... HARSH kung HARSH, pero ilagay niyo nga ang sarili niyo sa posisyon ko?! ung tipong, nagsasalita ka, bigla kang babarahin (and to think, ako lang ang ginaganyan nila!!), nagsasalita ka, walang nakikinig, tatanungin ka tapos eto ka't sasagot ng maayos, babarahin ka pa rin, kakausapin mo ng maayos, ayun at nakabusangot ang muka sa pagsagot--parang nagalit at nagtatanong ka pa... eh samantalang kinakamusta mo lang naman... Sige, nga, ano mararamdaman niyo? eh diba PUTANG-INA lang naman?!?!?!

Ewan!! KAINIS kasi eh.. parang ang baba ng tingin nila sakin.. para bang, napaka-bobo kong tao!! Katulad na lang kahapon, magsasalita sana ko, bigla akong binara--puros mali raw ung sinasabi ko..."wag un, wag un!! basta walang ganon!!"... sasabihin joke,, pero kitang-kita mo naman sa bahid ng muka na halatang sinasadyang manabla.. PINIGIL KO na nga lang ung pagkapikon eh.. kasi usually ayoko ng binabara ko! ako ang nambabara.. pero ngayon, baligtad na ata mundo..

Me tanong lang ako sa inyo?

MASAMA ba kong tao?
Oo na masamang manlait!! PERO SOBRANG MASAMA na ba ko?!?! May nasaktan na ba kong mga tao? as in ung sobrang nakaapekto sa pagkatao niya? kaya ako ginaganito?! Sa palagay ko naman wala eh.. alam ko naman ung mga limitations ko sa mga ganun... Kasi ngayon, parang nde na nila ko kinoconsider as a PERSON.. bilang tao! ayun nga sinabi ko nga diba? parang BASURA na lang kung itrato ako.. RESPETO lang bilang isang tao ung hinihingi ko, pero instead na iyon, BASTUSAN pa ang nangyayari... well, ala na ko magagawa coz i'm just some TRASH!!!

Alam niyo bang hindi naman ako ginaganito noon eh.. Dati kahit papano, bilib pa ko sa sarili ko! na kaya kong gawin yan, kaya kong gawin toh... Eh sa ngayon, parang niloloko ko na lang ung sarili ko na may kakayahan akong gumawa ng mga bagay... Ngayon, parang lahat ng gawin ko mali eh, parang wala na nga atang tama.. Pero I'm sure ung desisyon ko ngayun? TAMA un.. ung umiwas muna--magli-low muna sa grupong iyon.. Tama ba naman kasing ibaba ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.. kumbaga mawala ung *confidence* ko sa sarili... Oo na, hindi ako magaling magsulat tulad ni Clarence, magaling magsalita tulad ni Ariane, magaling mag-design-design tulad ni Martin, o kaya maging artistic tulad ni Kizia o magaling dumiskarte tulad ni Janna!!! Sa araw-araw niyo ba namang ipakita sakin eh,, MALAMANG ALAM KO NA!!! Pero sana wag niyo nang ipamuka!! wag niyo nang ipandikdikan sa muka ko na wala akong alam!!! BOBO na kung BOBO, hindi kasi ako kasing tatalino at gagaling ninyo eh..!! PASENSYA NA!! ALAM KONG HINDI KO NAMAN KAYO MAPAPASAYANG LAHAT!! o kahit kailan!! Tao lang.. ay mali.. "BASURA" Lang... Ewan ko sa ngayon, ala kong pakialam kung sino pa ang magbasa nito...makasakit man o hindi.. WALA... buhos mo lang, nang ibuhos marcia..

Kung kakausapin niyo ko, WALA kayong makukuha sakin.. Dahil aalis lang ako at hindi kayo kakausapin tungkol sa bagay na yan.. Hindi ako ung tipo ng taong basta-basta na lang nagsasalita at nagbubuhos ng damdamin at sinasabi ung sama ng loob niya sa ibang tao..! Ano ba magagawa ko, e basura lang naman talaga kung itrato niyo ko eh.. Mas matatanggap ko pang magsulat sa kahit anong papel at dun ibuhos ung mga sama ng loob ko kesa sa kausapin niyo ko.. Kaya nga siguro dito ko na ibubuhos sa blog na ito..


Alam niyo, mas mabuti pa atang maging "LONER" kesa sa ganito eh.. Napakahirap.. At least, pag "LONER" kahit papano may natitira pang *CONFIDENCE* sa sarili mo... Eh sa ganito, akala ko masaya ko, eh "masaya" nga ba talaga ko?! Masaya ba na ginaganito ko?! ewan.. malamang hindi.. I'd prefer being a loner than to be with some people who degrade and pull me down...So, Henrik, it's not so bad being a "LONER" after all.. and SORRY..

MGA TOL.. marj, emkhey, eka, diana, joy, grae, rex, jes, berto, jheimie, karen..at kung sinu-sino pa kung me nakalimutan ako--kilala niyo na sarili niyo...MARAMING SALAMAT...sa paniniwala ninyo sakin... Lalo ka na erika, hindi mo lang alam, pero mahalaga ka sakin!! Kahit nagkaroon na ng "lamat" sating dalawa dahil kay JES, eh.. anjan ka parin, naniniwala sa kakayahan ko.. JES, kahit may kaunting ilangan na nangyayari satin, tinuring mo pa rin akong kaibigan, at dahil jan, lalo pa kitang mamahalin..joke.. mahal pa rin kita and NO REGRETS.. GRAE, napatunayan kong totoo kang kaibigan.. SALAMAT... AS FOR THE REMAINING guys and girlss.. i know you're always there whenever I need a shoulder to cry on.. And for that I thank you!!! You've all been good to me... and GUYS, I MISS YOU SO MUCH and right now, emkhey, I NEED YOU!!!!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

IBUHOS MO LANG NG IBUHOS, MARCIA!!!!

Ewan ko ba... Parang nagbigay na ng sign sakin si GOD.. na tama ang ginagawa kong unti-unting pag-iwas sa mga "grupo" ko ngayon... NAKAKAINIS lang kasi eh.. Parang ang BABA lang ng tingin nila sakin... Parang it doesn't matter whatever I do, I did, am gonna do..KAINIS lang talaga... Oo nga't masaya silang kasama, ngunit, kung bababaan lang nila ang tingin nila sakin, eh, THANK YOU na lang... Siguro nga'y gumagawa ako "MINSAN" ng excuses, pero that doesn't mean na lahat ng sabihin ko eh, FABRICATED noh!!!

Naiinis ako sa fact na, kung me opinyon akong sasabihin, parang hindi nila narinig...o kung narinig man nila, CHANGE TOPIC na..AYOKO ng ganon!! RESPETO naman sana sa taong nagsasalita, o kahit RESPETO lang sakin!!!

Nakakapikon pa, ung mga ibang MOODY na tao!!! Haaay naku, tatanungin mu na nga lang, nakasimangot pa kung sasagot!!! ka-bad trip talaga,,, sige nga, cnu sa inyo nde mababad trip niyan?! MALAMANG karamihan sa inyo!!! Napag-aralan namin yan sa SOCIOLOGY noh, ung epekto ng taong nakabad-trip sayo, mapapasa mo sa iba...o sa kanya mismo DUH?!?! totoo naman un eh.. kung baga, WHAT YOU GIVE, is WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET!!!... THE FEELING'S MUTUAL, ika nga... kya ayun, nung niyaya ako, SABI KO "AYOKO!..."then, walk-out...alis na..

OO GALIT ako!! Kaya ganito ko magtype... siguro nga'y sa ngayon galit ako, pero naman... kasi... nakaka-sakit na eh.. Di ko ugaling magpakita kung nasasaktan na'ko or whatever... coz I AM THAT EH... Yan tuloy, di ko maiwasang ikumpara ang HIGHSCHOOL TROPA KO at etong "grupo" nato!!!... Xempre kung nde naman ako na-ooffend ng tropa ko non, bakit ngeon, sila parang alang RESPETo...


ah... basta... ewan... yoko na....

BAD TRIP TALAGA!!!

na-miss ko bigla tropa ko... gusto ko na sila makita... miss ko na highschool days ko... ung mga tipong ala kong pakialam kung anu sabihin nila sakin dahil kahit papano, me respeto sila sakin as a person...

BAHALA NA TALAGA!!!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Daddy, Sorry...

Sa tuwing iisipin kong nawala ko ang BIBLIYA ng aking AMA, takot at kaba ang aking nararamdman... Hindi sa dahil papagalitan ako ng tatay ko... (well, pagagalitan nga talaga ko) kung hindi dahil sa tiwala niya sakin na saking palagay ay biglang mawawala, sa oras na sabihin ko ito sa kanya... Hindi ko naman talaga sinasadyang mawala ang bible na iyon. Alam kong mahalagang-mahalaga iyon sa aking ama, ngunit ng dahil lang sa LETCHENG, PUTANG-INANG stress na iyan, nawala nang lahat--ang gamit ko(notebook), xerox copy ni KIZIA, at ang pinakamahalagang gamit ni daddy, ang BIBLIYA...

Matapos kong ma-realize na nawala ko ang BIBLIYA ni Daddy, nagtungo ako sa silid kung saan ko huling naiwan ang BIBLIYA at mga gamit ko...Tinignan ko sa dalawang gilid ng pisara: WALA.. Sunod ay dumirecho ako ng D.O. tinanong ko sa officer kung me nag-turn-in ng BIBLE na kulay ay violet na may Masking tape sa magkabilang dulo o edges nito. Pinatingin sa'kin ang lahat ng mga bible na tinurn-in noong araw na iyon..: WALA.. Sunod na ginawa ko, tinanong ko ung janitor kung me nakita silang bibliya, andun daw sa D.O. lahat ng tinurn-in nilang bibliya, in other words, WALA pa din... Sa sobrang ka-desperado ko, dumerecho ako ng chapel sa tapat ng library upang magdasal na muling makita ang bibliya, at ibalik sakin ng nakakuha..

Mag-iisang linggo na at hindi ko pa din nakukuha/nakikita ang BIBLIYA ni Daddy... Mangiyak-ngiyak na ko... Hanggang ngayon, na hindi ko pa rin nakikita ito, sobrang takut, lungkot at kaba ang nadarama ko... Ayokong mawala ang tiwala ng tatay ko sakin.. Nagpakahirap akong maibalik iyon noon, at ngayon, mawawala lang ba ito ng parang bula ng dahil sa kagagawan ko!?!?!

Ayoko na ata...

Araw-araw ko paring hahanapin ang Bibliya ni Daddy, at maghahanap narin ako ng katulad nito sa mga bookstores... mapa-National Bookstore, Goodwill, St. Paul's o kahit na ano pa iyan.. Papalitan ko ito, maski mahal pa (kaya nga ko nag-iipon na ngayon eh..), mabalik lang ang tiwalang sa palagay kong mawawala lang ng parang bula...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

TAMA NA, NAKAKASAKAL NA!!!

Ewan ko ba..

Hindi naman sa ayaw kong makasama ang grupong sinasamahan ko ngayon sa aking eskwelahan, kaya lang, para kasing nakakasakal na sila eh.. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi kung ganun ang tingin nila sakin--ung palaging alis ng alis, ang daming excuses, ayaw sumama, KJ... Hindi pa naman kasi nila ko lubusang kilala. Oo nga't may isang nagsasabi sa kanilang kilala ako pero ang totoo'y hindi naman.. Ang mga masasabi ko lang na nakakakilala sa akin ay ang malupet kong kaibigan na alam kung napipikon na ko kahit patuloy pa rin akong tumatawa, alam kung me problema ako, alam akong basahin kumbaga...

Ever since naman nung highschool eh, ganoon ako, yung tipong ayaw nasasakal--ayaw pumirmi sa isang grupo lang... May grupo din ako sa highschool at itong grupong ito sa aking palagay eh masasabi kong kilalang-kilala na talaga ako... Siguro dahil sa sobrang tagal na naming magkakakilala na simula pa noong elementary ay naging magkakaibigan na kami... Anyways, itong tropa kong to eh mahilig sa mga OPEN FORUM... kaya nagsabi sila sakin ng mga hinanakit nila na hindi na nila ko makita o makasama sa tropa.. sa iba na daw ako sumasama... Since, kilala ko na rin sila at panatag na totally ang loob ko sa kanila, nasabi ko na hindi ako sanay na sa inyo lang sumasama, "u must understand na i also need to bond with other people besides you.." at kahit hindi ko na banggitin pa ang mga salitang "nasasakal na ko" bakas na sa mga muka nila ang mga pag-iintindi na kailangan ko ng kaunting espasyo mula sa kanila... Alam nilang para sakin sila ang mga matatalik kong kaibigan, kahit na minsa'y sumasama ako sa ibang grupo...

Pero sa sitwasyon ko ngayon, ang hirap... Nakakainis na kasi!! kung saan ako pumunta andun din ung isa.. Kailangan palagi kaming magkasabay kung san-san... na talaga namang nakakasakal na... Sinasabi niyang kilala niya ko, ngunit hindi naman talaga, dahil kung kilala na nga niya talaga ko, mararamdaman niya na kailangan ko ng espasyo mula sa kanya, dahil sobrang sakal na sakal na ko sa kanya!!! Hindi naman ako galit sa kanya or something, it's just that TAMA NA, NAKAKASAKAL KA NA!!!!

Sinabi ko ito sa matalik kong kaibigan, si Marj, kagabi pagkatapos magsimba, naiintindihan niya ko..Dahil nga siguro hindi ko pa "gamay" ang grupong sinasamahan ko partikular na ung taong palagi kong kasama... Alam niya ring hindi ako sanay na nakapirmi lang sa isang lugar kasama ang mga taong madalas o araw-araw o bawat araw/sandali ay kasama ko... NAKAKASAKAL Lang talaga...

Hinihingi ko lang naman ay konting espasyo, mula sa inyo... Gusto ko na kahit minsan makapag-isa ako o humanap ng ibang kasama... Hindi naman sa ayaw ko na sa grupo natin, gusto ko talagang kasama kayo!!! Pero sana naman hindi BAWAT SANDALI... Sana maintindihan niyo ako.. As much as I wanna be with you guys, I also need some space for myself....